Not Natural

Not Natural is the term with which I was labeled as a child by my relatives.
It has always caused me severe pain and suffering throughout my life.
With no memory of the first 10 years of my life, and only vague exceptions to this with some painful and hurtful events and absolutely no knowledge of what occurred in that period to cause my mind to close, my journey through this life has been fraught with obstacles that, at times, have seemed way too big to surmount.
My story is one of adoption, abuse, trauma, stigmatization, compartmentalization, destructive stepchildren, mental illness, divorce, estrangement, and loneliness.
The only time in my life that I was ever truly happy and confident was when I was nursing. My passion in life is to love others, care for them and help them to feel better within themselves. The care I afforded was truly appreciated in nursing as in no other area of my life. I lost my beloved nursing and my wish to study medicine by the actions of my narcissistic husband.
I suffered from such severely handicapped self-awareness and worth that I truly believed that I was not capable of achieving anything worthwhile in life. This concept was brainwashed into me since my earliest memories by my adoptive mother.
This sad, bewildering and unfathomable story is how I progressed through a life in which I could not grasp why I was not loved.
As I have tried desperately, with the assistance of psychiatrists and psychologists to heal from this traumatic journey for a decade, the only solace I have found is in Meditation, Spirituality and Mindfulness. My journey to well-being is ongoing as I am unable to accept the loss of four of my children and many grandchildren with them.